National Infertility Day Sounds like quite a day of celebration, eh? Maybe for some. But this Sunday before Mother's Day is most likely a day of mourning and reflection for so many couples who cannot conceive or maintain a pregnancy. It is not a day of recognition that I ever expected to know about. Infertility is not a word I ever really knew or understood, even after trying to become pregnant for six months (which was after trying to not become pregnant for a year). 

After that six months of "trying," I visited my gynecologist to see what testing could be done to see what was causing the delay in conceiving a child. I, like many others, believed that the difficulty was "female" related.  Thankfully, my doctor was wise, believing that the man and the woman should begin testing at the same time. 

The marathon began with a very humorous, Seinfeld-like story that I do not have permission to share.  And then it became more and more painful and heartbreaking. 

My husband and I continued to wait on God while opening the doors that we believed were given directly from His hand. Testing continued and expensive injectable drugs were needed. The doctor believed we had a 70% chance of becoming pregnant with medical intervention. 

Eventually we each had surgical procedures done at the same time in two different hospital buildings, each having our own personal "cheerleading squad."  With that, we expected to have as many as 13 embryos to someday implant. In the end, no embryos were able to be made. April 25, 2005 was the most devastating day of our life. 

For the next week I lived in my pajamas. We were well taken care of by husband's parents while we lived in a fog of disbelief and working on physical recovery.  I remember sobbing when Mom told me it was time for them to leave. I knew that when she left it was the beginning of our family being forever limited biologically as a family of two, a thought we had never even pondered, a grief we had never experienced. 

What did God have in mind? How could I go from being a little girl who dreamed of having 20 children to possibly never having any? 

Fast forward eight years later. We are still a family of two. The blessing has been being able to minister to other couples who are making their way through the devastating journey of infertility, waiting for THE day to arrive when they will learn that they will bear children. The blessing has been being able to serve with time and resources we would never have had if I would have given birth at the beginning of 2006. The blessing has been being able to care for five beautiful, fun, intelligent children for 25 and a half months. And to have the privilege to be able to continue to pray for them.  The blessing has been to provide short and long term respite care to two young twins and for other children whose lives have been tattered and torn by the poor choices of their parents and/or others. The blessing has been being able to walk with others who are living life wounded, maybe for some very different reasons. 

So many "privileges" as I walk with a handicap that I never knew existed before this heartache of infertility began. And while my heart's desire is for the Lord to continue to use this heartache for His glory, I still long to become someone's Mommy, even at nearly 41 years of age. May it be so, Lord!

If We Had Never Met

Just a few weeks ago life was so different. I was a mommy. And called upon by the most beautiful children, probably a hundred times per day. And then it was gone. The dream I desired since I was a little girl - being a mom and having a houseful of kiddos.
And now I am left with a breaking heart that was so very full not so long ago.
With days that still hold so much to accomplish, but definitely do not seem as meaningful. Investing. I miss it. Investing in their little lives as theirs entwined more and more into mine each day.
And now, in the midst of heartache and pain, I think, "What if we had never met?"
I would have missed knowing your beautiful expressive eyes. Your first time to roll over, pull yourself up, take a step, push a cart. All of which I remember so vividly. Your first sentences. Your hugs. Your sweet kisses on my cheek. Your head nuzzled into my neck. Your great belly laugh. Your pouty lip. Your strong hugs. Your strong temper. Your great (& many) questions. Your intelligence. Your beauty. Your handsomeness. Your love of stories. Your love for Christ. Your love for me. My great love for you.
I would never have experienced so much incredible life and love and laughter. And now so much grief.
But I would have lost so much more if we had never met. I love you and I always will. And because of you my heart will never be the same.

How Did We Arrive Here?

22 months. WOW! Some days it seems like we just met the little ones who have been living us for nearly two years. And other days it seems that we have known them forever.
So much of our life has changed since that one weekend when we prepared to make our house into shared living space for little ones and us. What a wild ride it has been!
As a middle mom, it is much like living in two different worlds: parenting wholeheartedly in one world and wondering when the "play" button for life will be pushed, resuming from where we left.
Yet knowing that the rest of the world, and those whom we once spent lots of time with, have moved on to different places in life.
How will we resume? We will be different people. People who have abruptly lived differently and not even had time to look back, but once in a great while when there is a chance to stop and think. Will we ever be parents again? Will we suffer from discontent if we do not parent again? Will our hearts long to help other children or was this a one time adventure for us? Will we be empty and heartbroken once again? Will our hearts recover? What will our life look like? What will be the next chapter that God writes? May God prepare our hearts for whatever He is planning...

How Did We Arrive Here?

So, we will soon be married eight years. And we have been fostering for about 20 weeks. Wow! How much life as changed! Often it is truly being a parent. And other times you are reminded that not only are these not our children, but they will most likely be in our care only for a time. It is often difficult to separate.
I think about the times that God should have wanted me to be his foster child, rather than His own. And I think of how I cannot imagine loving children who would have come from my womb any differently than I love the ones whose diapers I change, noses I wipe, sighs I savor, hugs and kisses designed just for me from the tiniest arms and lips.
And then there are the times I realize how absolutely inadequately unprepared and unqualified for this role I am. After all I grew up with a mother who did not know how to love me and instead showed mostly hate towards me. Who would teach me to care for children? Train me to be a parent?
I have only my Lord, my God and the loving advise of wise godly women who have years and varieties of their own unique mothering experiences.
I can only practice, practice, practice, and pray that the Lord will use everything in these little lives for His good. That any damage I may do, out of my life experiences, my lack of knowledge or understanding, lack of sleep or patience, will be mended by Abba Father who loves these Dear Ones way beyond what they will ever know.
And I pray that the Lord will continue to weave our family as only He has designed and seal all of our hearts for Heaven.
For surely I must be royalty. After all, I am a Daughter of the Most High King who loves me as His own, with no exceptions.
Glory to God!

Life in a Winnebago

From time to time I have considered what life would be like in a Winnebago. That is VERY funny just because I am NOT an outdoors girl. That is, unless LOVING to walk the beach at sunset counts.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to savor, even just for a few moments, what life in a Winnebago would be like. And today I have already viewed different models online. Dreaming.

Why life in a Winnebago? Simplicity. Lack of clutter. Only a small space to clean. Pick up and go where you need to go and home is never far away. I think I LOVE it.

Yes, the girl who has spent less than three nights ever in a tent (and not usually successfully) LOVES the idea of the Winnebago.

But, I love to host. To entertain. To share time with friends. What happens with that if life is lived in a Winnebago?

Hmmm...THAT I would miss. Clutter. Multiple closets of stuff I would not. Maybe we could just rent heated tents and set up when we are in the mood for a party.

Or maybe I would miss space. Maybe I am just in a place longing for simplicity.

Life is so complicated. So many are hurting. So many friends are watching dreams die. So many hearts are breaking. So many of us are waiting for the Lord to return. To call us Home.

And so, once again, I am overwhelmed with stuff. Holding on to clothes that do not fit. Things I may someday need.

Perhaps a restlessness for Heaven. A longing for my Lord.

Maybe I am exactly where He wants me.

If Only

Today I specifically learned that there are a plethora of "if onlys" in my heart. If only this person had stayed in my life, entered my life, or I had loved them better...

But then I consider "what seems". The beautiful sunset God seems to paint just for me. The princess costume that seems designed only for my four year old niece. The belly laugh that my one year old nephew seemed to share only with me.

And then there is, "what is." My dimples that were perfectly created by the Ultimate Designer. The new giggle my DH (Dear Hubby) seemed to just recently discover. The pain and the ache of a broken heart.

I have walked through so much in such a short span of life. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that there can be so much yet to be.

And I think about my grandmother who would have celebrated her 89th birthday tomorrow. How much life she lived. How much she must have laughed. And what about her tears? How many did fall, God? How much heartache did she endure as she waited so many years to become pregnant with my Dad? How heartbroken would she be to know that her granddaughter, whom she admired so much in how she loved children, may never become a mother? But Gram persevered and she would surely encourage me to do the same.
Gram and I never talked a lot about the "if only's." But she was very good at sharing the "what is" with me. And in many ways that may have saved my life.

How precious my Gram. How deep is my love for her. And how much more is my Father's love for her.

I can only imagine the "if onlys" that the Chapman family has considered since May 21st. And yet, at the here and now, Steven sings:

"I've walked the valley of death's shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I've had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you." - Steven Curtis Chapman

And how grateful I am that have hope, because I belong to You. May my "if onlys" become "not my will, but Yours."

Happy Birthday, Gram!

Party Animals

What do you get when you make fried chicken for the first time, have dinner outside when it is still 86 degrees, and are then locked out by two family members who lock themselves in the ladies room?

Yes, that makes a party. Well, actually, we hosted a little family gathering tonight in honor of my dear sister-in-law's 30th birthday.

Only dinner was an hour late, a couple of toys from the little ol' toy box were suddenly "retired," and at the end we were all exhausted. With the exception of the two little ladies, of course. They were still partying as they traveled down the driveway to go home. They may as well have had party favors, streamers and all, in hand.

What a blessing it was. And THAT is no Bull :-) (Well, actually it WAS a bull, but I identified it {the Zoo Pals paper plate} as a pig to my niece. Oops! Another reminder of the city girl I am! )

I pray that my sis was blessed as well and will be reminded of what a special treasure she is each time she reads her "Chronicles of Narnia" stories.

And for my dear sweethearts, please know:

Colossians 1:9-14 " So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of His will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you will live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.

We also pray that you will be strengthened with all His glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to His people, who live in the light. For He has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of His dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins."

Such a treasure my little brother and his family are to me! How grateful am I for my time with the Party Animals tonight!