National Infertility Day Sounds like quite a day of celebration, eh? Maybe for some. But this Sunday before Mother's Day is most likely a day of mourning and reflection for so many couples who cannot conceive or maintain a pregnancy. It is not a day of recognition that I ever expected to know about. Infertility is not a word I ever really knew or understood, even after trying to become pregnant for six months (which was after trying to not become pregnant for a year). 

After that six months of "trying," I visited my gynecologist to see what testing could be done to see what was causing the delay in conceiving a child. I, like many others, believed that the difficulty was "female" related.  Thankfully, my doctor was wise, believing that the man and the woman should begin testing at the same time. 

The marathon began with a very humorous, Seinfeld-like story that I do not have permission to share.  And then it became more and more painful and heartbreaking. 

My husband and I continued to wait on God while opening the doors that we believed were given directly from His hand. Testing continued and expensive injectable drugs were needed. The doctor believed we had a 70% chance of becoming pregnant with medical intervention. 

Eventually we each had surgical procedures done at the same time in two different hospital buildings, each having our own personal "cheerleading squad."  With that, we expected to have as many as 13 embryos to someday implant. In the end, no embryos were able to be made. April 25, 2005 was the most devastating day of our life. 

For the next week I lived in my pajamas. We were well taken care of by husband's parents while we lived in a fog of disbelief and working on physical recovery.  I remember sobbing when Mom told me it was time for them to leave. I knew that when she left it was the beginning of our family being forever limited biologically as a family of two, a thought we had never even pondered, a grief we had never experienced. 

What did God have in mind? How could I go from being a little girl who dreamed of having 20 children to possibly never having any? 

Fast forward eight years later. We are still a family of two. The blessing has been being able to minister to other couples who are making their way through the devastating journey of infertility, waiting for THE day to arrive when they will learn that they will bear children. The blessing has been being able to serve with time and resources we would never have had if I would have given birth at the beginning of 2006. The blessing has been being able to care for five beautiful, fun, intelligent children for 25 and a half months. And to have the privilege to be able to continue to pray for them.  The blessing has been to provide short and long term respite care to two young twins and for other children whose lives have been tattered and torn by the poor choices of their parents and/or others. The blessing has been being able to walk with others who are living life wounded, maybe for some very different reasons. 

So many "privileges" as I walk with a handicap that I never knew existed before this heartache of infertility began. And while my heart's desire is for the Lord to continue to use this heartache for His glory, I still long to become someone's Mommy, even at nearly 41 years of age. May it be so, Lord!