If Only

Today I specifically learned that there are a plethora of "if onlys" in my heart. If only this person had stayed in my life, entered my life, or I had loved them better...

But then I consider "what seems". The beautiful sunset God seems to paint just for me. The princess costume that seems designed only for my four year old niece. The belly laugh that my one year old nephew seemed to share only with me.

And then there is, "what is." My dimples that were perfectly created by the Ultimate Designer. The new giggle my DH (Dear Hubby) seemed to just recently discover. The pain and the ache of a broken heart.

I have walked through so much in such a short span of life. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that there can be so much yet to be.

And I think about my grandmother who would have celebrated her 89th birthday tomorrow. How much life she lived. How much she must have laughed. And what about her tears? How many did fall, God? How much heartache did she endure as she waited so many years to become pregnant with my Dad? How heartbroken would she be to know that her granddaughter, whom she admired so much in how she loved children, may never become a mother? But Gram persevered and she would surely encourage me to do the same.
Gram and I never talked a lot about the "if only's." But she was very good at sharing the "what is" with me. And in many ways that may have saved my life.

How precious my Gram. How deep is my love for her. And how much more is my Father's love for her.

I can only imagine the "if onlys" that the Chapman family has considered since May 21st. And yet, at the here and now, Steven sings:

"I've walked the valley of death's shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I've had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you." - Steven Curtis Chapman

And how grateful I am that have hope, because I belong to You. May my "if onlys" become "not my will, but Yours."

Happy Birthday, Gram!