Am I the Only One?

I just finished what I believe to be only the second time I have ever won a game of Solitaire (on the PC).

Thinking back, I remember sharing with someone when I had won Solitaire for the first time. They were amazed.

And I wondered, "Am I the only one? The only one who doesn't regularly win at Solitaire? Is it supposed to be easy? Do I give up too soon?"

It is like so much of the rest of my extraordinary life where I have so often wondered the very same thing over and over again.

And while I was valiantly "fighting" for this victory, I was within earshot of neighbors talking about babies, as most every adult does, again wondering, "Am I the only one? The only one whose conversation does NOT focus on the topic of little ones?"

Much like when I was growing up, waiting for my life to become "normal." Even as a child myself, wondered, "Am I the only one? The only one who lives for the idea of the future, when I would only be unconditionally loved, not repeatedly wounded or ignored, by those whom I was closest to."

Or while I was waiting for my DH (Dear Husband) to come into my life, through my long last year of singlehood, hanging out with my married friends and their families, wondering, "Am I the only one? The only 28 year old single who may ever find the love of her life?"

Or even a silly thing, such "Am I the only one? The only one who seems to spill something on any favorite article of clothing, causing permanent damage (even my wedding gown)?"

As I read at my Uncle Harry's funeral last Fall, Ecclesiastes Chapter three says "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..." And so I wonder, where do the seasons fall in my life? Are there "sections" or is this just a recurring theme for me? Will I always (a word, along with never, that I do not like to use), wonder, "Am I the only one?" Or will I learn to finally find comfort and KNOW that each moment in time was created exactly like this, just for me, as a child of The King, from whom "I am fearfully and wonderfully made...my soul knows it very well." -Psalm 139:14?

Who Am I

Dear Friends,

Since I first learned of the death of beautiful Maria Chapman, daughter of Christian musician, Steven Curtis Chapman, my heart has grieved. Maybe part of it was selfish grief, having lost babies of my own. Maybe part of it was jealousy (what?! how could someone possibly be jealous of grief?), having not memories of little ones, rather just a black hole of darkness of those whom I had dreamed of, but never knew. Maybe part of it was having experienced so much heartache in my own family for so many years.

And so I felt called to go to his concert in Clarkston, MI (at the former Pine Knob) where he was performing with Michael W. Smith.

And after more than 16 years of each of them performing as top Christian artists without major technical difficulties, we saw (after 30 minutes of Matthew West), Steven came out on stage, professing God's goodness. Yes. Goodness. Even though his family experienced tragedy beyond measure, the VERY first song that came to his mind after Maria's death was "Blessed be the Name of the Lord." That was the first song that he sang for this concert and the only complete song of his planned set that we heard. For every 3/4 song he would sing, the power went out at the DTE Energy Theater. And so, he sang "three point seven five songs," then two duets with Michael and had to call it a night.

So, here we were on a beautiful summer night, believing that God wanted me to come to mourn with Steven and his two sons who are in his band. I was heartbroken when the concert was called off. Not understanding why God would have brought me here for naught. Sitting in the front row (off to the side), praying so desperately for this man and his family.

But then, I thought, "who am I?" Surely God who has called me by name had called me to this time and place in an outdoor concert arena. And surely the DTE Energy Theater would have power for the concert.

But then, who am I? I am the one who cried because I was so proud of Steven, Caleb, and Will Franklin for just coming on tour this first week back since their sweet Maria's death. They came to the stage and did everything they could to persevere on stage for this crazy situation. They gave God ALL of the glory from the first moment.

I prayed and I prayed for God to repair the power problems on stage. But God chose to send us all home.

Such a strange experience. But who am I?

I am the one who serves a God in Heaven who loved me enough to send his Son to live among men. To suffer and to die for my sins. And for your sins. And for those whom I dream of leaving behind a legacy.

And so, as I mourn for the Chapman's. For the Fowler's. For my many friends who also have wounded hearts and are in a place where the life they walk through now will never be the same as the one they once dreamed it would be.

Please pray for the Chapman Family. Pray that God would be glorified, that their family would be protected, particularly their sons, in the coming weeks as their story is shared worldwide. May God Himself be poured out to the many lost sheep He longs to shepherd.

Blessings Dear Ones,

Anna

From Steven's blog

http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/jim/2008/07/cautiously-hope.html

July 28th

Cautiously Hopeful Today

It feels like we've strung a few hopeful days in a row together here. I almost don't want to say it out loud... but it's the truth. There are still tears, but there are some smiles too. And the counseling appointments continue, progress it seems is being made. And tick tock... time is passing.

Meanwhile, David, Velvet, Jenny, Christina and I are all working on the logistics for Larry King Live appearance on August 7th. Trying desperately to make a trip that will be so difficult... at least a little less difficult.

The Good Morning America and People Magazine interviews are now behind us... and though they were HARD, I'm feeling so sure that these have been God honoring and correct choices He led us to. In my opinion, Good Morning America came at just the right moment in time for Will I think. One of the stories I heard that day, I had not heard before. If it isn't told on the final piece, I'll share it here.

Regarding GMA and the piece they are doing, to have a 5 or 6 minute piece is very unusual. In a morning show setting like this, 3 minutes or shorter is the norm. To have this length is really unusual. We're thankful. Some of you have asked, so let me say this... In any correspondence you might decide to send to the show, I think our tone would be that we're grateful for the extended segment, that we're grateful for the trouble they went to to make the Chapmans comfortable, and that if possible additional content on a future date or in some other area of ABC media would be so exciting and compelling. I can't say enough about Robin Roberts and the producer Janice. I'm very confident the piece will be all we're hoping.

Circle your calendar and pray for August 5th and August 7th, the 5th when it looks like Good Morning America will air and the 7th when the family will be on with Larry King Live. Pray that the Chapmans' story of faith through this will point to our Savior and will bump into people that would not normally hear or see. Pray that God will continue to redeem this loss. Pray for courage and God to give each of them words to speak while Live! with Larry. And then People Magazine... hitting newsstands that next day on the 8th and in waiting rooms (i always read it at Super Cuts) for weeks and weeks to come. Who knows who will see it and where that will go? Asking God to go before us and be all over it in His plan in His timing with His providence. I suspect He's writing quite a story here and I am trusting we will all see someday.

The photo here was taken by our lighting director, Cannonball a few shows back. I chuckled when I saw it. The camera lens was tricked by the lights in this shot and makes Steven look a bit like I picture Moses must have appeared after He had just encountered God on the mountain, bright white from God's glory passing by. Though it's a photographic mistake, the picture does exhibit what I know Steven strives for... reflecting God's glory. Lets continue to pray for it to be so... and we're grateful you are! and that you are walking alongside this family holding them up on this journey through the valley.